The Science of Self-Preservation

Growing up, sacrifice earned you a badge of nobility. If you grew up religious, you learned that putting others above yourself was proof of love and piousness. Was someone hungry? Give them from your food. Was your food really little? Share it anyway. You'd be doing the noble thing, and that was proof of how much of a better human you were becoming.

As noble as these teachings were, I've come to realize there was a missing piece in this quest for nobility. Or was it intentional? Did society assume we'd figure it out eventually, the way kids figure out Father Christmas?

What's best for me them?

People stay in situations that aren't working far longer than they should because they want to do the noble thing. They think about what's best for everyone else, and on the list of considerations, they're last. Only after they're sure their decision serves every other person well do they think about how it serves them.

This shows up everywhere. Someone stays at a job where they've stopped growing because they're thinking about how their boss will take the news, what will happen to that project (there's always a project), how their teammates will cope, how the business will manage without them.

So they pick themselves up every day, suck it up, and show up. They're pouring everything out and not getting a refill. They know they're burnt out, they know they've outgrown the place, but they feel it wouldn't be fair to leave, so they stay.

We see this in relationships too. Even when something is genuinely unhealthy (the kind of situation that’s obviously eroding you), people think about the impact on their parents, their partner, the kids — and they suck it up. The logic goes: if I pretend well enough, the kids won’t end up being from a “broken home”, my parents will stay happy seeing the family intact, and all will be well. Except for me, of course. I could lose myself trying to save everyone else and that would be okay. I'd be noble.

The issue is that in the process of making a decision, people often start with the right question using the wrong pronoun. What's best for them instead of what's best for me.

Rethinking Self-Preservation

We've been taught that thinking about ourselves is selfish, but trust me, selfish isn't always a bad thing.

When I find myself in situations where I'm harming my growth or mental health for the sake of "keeping the peace," one question helps: what would happen to this thing if I died now?

I know, it sounds extreme. Now that I think about it, my last post references a similar question: would this matter if war broke out? Maybe I need to watch less intense movies. Notwithstanding, the question works. It cuts through the noise of what will they think, what will happen to the project, how will they cope — and reveals what's actually true: life would go on. The thing you're killing yourself to hold up would find a way, or it wouldn't, but either way it wouldn't be your problem.

An empty, broken jug is of no use to anyone — even if it was full last month and served everyone water. If you're going to keep serving clean water, you need to wash yourself, refill often, and stay in environments that won't crack your covering.

If an environment demands from you without supporting that, it's the wrong environment. You can try to change it, or you can leave. Nevertheless, to function at your best, you have to be at your best — and that means preserving yourself first, so you can actually do the noble thing of serving others.

What about the Science?

Errrmmm. I just titled this "The Science of…" because I'm tired of reading posts titled "The Art of…" 😬

But fine, let's coin some science in, for the naysayers. The scientific method goes like this:

1. Observe. Notice where in your life you're giving more than you can, and harming yourself in the process.

2. Ask a question. What would happen if you were gone?

3. Test a hypothesis. Take an action to look after yourself instead, and see what happens. (This is usually where the backlash comes — the pushback from people you don't want to hate you.)

4. Analyse. Remember the empty, broken jug.

5. Conclude. Stand your ground. You only get one of you.

Thanks for reading. And please don't die - I don’t mean this in the Bryan Johnson way 😂