Finally, we’re here and I’m fulfilling a 2 week-old promise 💃🏽
I said I’d write about this, and yes, you’re welcome… hehe.
A question for you! Have you ever heard about the Abilene Paradox? Let me rephrase: Have you ever had that “WTF look” because a friend expressed their disdain for something to you in private and then in public, went all “Yaaas, Queen!” to it? 😂
You’re there like, “Huh? What just happened?”
Or… maybe you’re that friend. 😬
I know, I know! You had your reasons. We all do.
The Abilene Paradox
The Abilene Paradox is when a group ends up making a decision that almost nobody wants; simply because each person assumes the others want it.
I don’t want to go to the beach, but I assume everyone else does.
They don’t want to go either, but they assume I do.
We all show up… sand in our shoes and resentment in our hearts.
Not because anyone forced us, but because nobody wanted to “rock the boat.”
Another example:
Thomas invites Alba to his party (my friend Alba will kill me for using her name 😂)
Not because he wants her there, but because he thinks she wants to be there.
Alba shows up; not because she wants to go, but because she thinks Thomas wants her there.
Two miserable humans with zero bravery.
We don’t want to be the odd one out, so we go as far as stating support for an outcome we do not even want.
That brings me to the question I asked my 7-year-old yesterday. He was worried that other kids’ parents wouldn’t see the email about not wearing uniforms; and then, he’d be the only one without one.
My question to him was simple: What’s so bad about being the odd one out?
The Fundamental Desire to be Liked
We see this in kids - they feel bad when they’re not invited to that party, or when a group of kids are playing and don’t ask them to join. They run home excited to tell the story when someone approaches them to be friends, or everyone at school that day wanted to race them. It’s a euphoric feeling! “Oh, I’m now part of the group!”.
It feels like something worth celebrating. Oh! A natural high.
It does seem like this is innate in us. Some would even argue that a “sense of belonging” is one of the core needs for human survival. And without it, humans could literally die.
But from where I’m sitting? It seems like many adults are addicted to social approval.
I know people who stay in religious organizations they don’t believe in anymore; not because they want to, but because leaving means losing friends, being alienated, and “starting over.” They equate that loss to death, and so they stay.
I could understand that if it were coming from a kid. However, we’re not kids anymore. And I argue that even kids benefit from hearing, “It’s okay to be the odd one out.” every now and then.
If “group acceptance” is a need for human survival, then, my follow-up question would be “at what cost?”.
At some point, you’re not living; you’re performing. And if you’re performing… is that even life?
At what cost?
Life eventually presents us with choices, big ones. And each path comes with a cost. Most people choose the path that keeps them safe within the group, and a brave few choose the path that keeps them true to themselves.
Don’t get it twisted! Sometimes “the group” is society, and “What will people say?” becomes the chief decision-maker.
I don’t care which path you choose (okay, maybe I do, and that’s why I’m writing). But let’s be honest, what truly is the cost of choosing acceptance over authenticity?
You lose original thinking.
You lose your convictions and values (did you really have them to begin with?).
You lose personal identity.
The people who accept you? They’re accepting a counterfeit version of you.
Which means their acceptance is counterfeit too; because it depends on your performance.
At some point, you have to ask yourself if you’re here to truly live, or just want to continue the act for the rest of your life.
“But I don’t want to be the Bad Guy”
I’ve heard the above statement a lot and honestly, I think at this point, we have to redefine what the “bad guy” means. These days, it means “the person who’s thinking contrary to others”. Like, how can saying no to something you don’t want, or stating your true opinions, make you bad? 🤦🏾♀️
It just makes you honest!
You’d hear people say “I knew that was a terrible idea, but I just kept quiet so as not to be the bad guy”.
Spoiler alert:
You are the bad guy.
Keeping quiet made you the bad guy.
Lying made you the bad guy.
Dishonesty made you the bad guy.
You’d often find this if you lead companies or teams. Teammates saying “I knew this design made no sense, but I didn’t want to be the bad guy, so I kept quiet”.
Sir. Ma’am. You are the bad guy 🌚
There’s another layer to this I think I’ve also come across a lot, even with myself.
People don’t want to be wrong! And because of that, they’d rather keep quiet.
If I’m wrong, then I’ll look stupid.
If I look stupid, then no one will like me.
Wait, are we right back at acceptance?
I’m constantly learning that it’s okay to be wrong, and that should never stop me from voicing my opinions. It’s hard sometimes, but we can all try.
Practice saying “Ah! I was wrong about that, I see it now”. Try it for 7 days straight, it works wonders I assure you 🙃
Being wrong means you learn, and you get wiser.
Accepting it means you give others the permission to be comfortable with being wrong also.
Now, how’s that for a reward for being the “bad guy”?
Hard Decisions
I won’t pretend I don’t struggle with decisions. I do. We all do.
But I’ve learned to ask myself why a decision feels hard.
Is it hard because it will hurt someone you love?
Because you’ll lose favour?
Because you’re used to being the “good guy”?
Because you hate confrontation?
Because you want to be liked?
If the answer leads back to “I don’t want to lose acceptance,” and not “this is the right thing for a greater good,” then you know exactly what to do.
Some things won’t be worth it in the long run. So, live, don’t perform!
Ah, that sounded like a good quote 😅
Live life, don’t perform!
Abiodun Olowode, November 28, 2025
Maybe it’s letting go of someone in your company (even if everyone loves them).
Maybe it’s ending a relationship.
Maybe it’s standing up for yourself.
Whatever it is, if you know it’s the right thing, forget being liked. Be brave and do the thing. It pays off.
Recovering Your True Self
I’ve struggled with many decisions in the past, but every time I chose the path that ensured I didn’t lose my true self, even though painful at the time because I feared losing love? I grew! Ten fold!
What did I gain?
Peace of mind.
A clear conscience.
Pride when I looked in the mirror.
And the people who were in my life? I was sure they loved me for who I was and that was enough.
You can start by:
Stating Your Opinions
People may disagree. That’s fine. But at least they know where you stand.
You can go along with something you disagree with, and this is called the disagree and commit principle. However, it’s very different from false agreement.Not Going Where You’d Rather Not Be
Your bed is a beautiful place. Feel free to sleep.
If you don’t want to be somewhere, and it’s not the right place for you, don’t go.Seek self-validation first
Ask yourself: Does doing this make me respect myself more or less?
Choose the path that lets you admire who you see in the mirror.
I know today’s piece may read like a rant (maybe it is). But I’m sure there’s some truth in it. Take what resonates, and trash the rest.
I’m just stating my opinions, while encouraging you to do same 😂
The End?
If you read my work often, you’re probably thinking, “Why isn’t she quoting an ex-colleague today?” hehe
Errrm… do I have something?
Ah! Looks like I do (sorry to disappoint you 🫣)
Someone I wasn’t afraid to tell last year that he was an addict, proudly told me this week, without me asking that he quit smoking 👇🏾
I’m not saying go out there spraying your opinions on people, or being a dick and shouting, “AB said I could.” Please, I did not send you anywhere 🙏🏾
All I said was…
Actually—I forget (scratches head)
Feel free to read the piece again 🤪
Til’ next week, adios amigos ❤️