Being A Good Person Is Not Enough

A young lady says "I can never date a short man. I'm just not attracted to them." What about Lionel Messi? you ask. And the awkward face twitching and stammering begins. "Uhm, ermm, you know, actually…." And honestly, this never surprises me. That's because I believe at our core as humans, we love impressive people.

Here's where it gets uncomfortable though. You'd think that when impressive people are also kind and generous, we'd love them even more. But that's not what I see. What I see, more often than not, is a flicker of disappointment. Almost like we were rooting for them to be terrible. Because if the person who built the company, ran the marathon, wrote the book, learned the language — if that person is also patient with their kids and remembers your birthday, then what's our excuse?

When impressive people are also good people, they rob us of the one consolation prize we were clinging to: "Yeah, I may not have done anything meaningful with myself, but at least I'm a good person." We could raise our heads and shoulders, feel like we'd just made a point, like we were somehow better than them. But we're not. And deep down, we know it.

Where Did The Time Go?

One day we're 20 and the next we're 40. That little creature that used to smell like Johnson's baby powder now smells like Valentino. And although lamb chops still taste the same, the grin they previously inspired is gone. As far as we're concerned, they could as well be plain white rice.

Life's been monotonous. Mornings and nights, pretty much the same. Assumptions, beliefs and motivations, same. Skills, looks, health, same or ermmm…. worse. After all, it's normal. These things decline with age. It's expected. If there's anyone defying that curve, we can bet it's their genes.

If this were an argument with a friend, we'd put our fingers together in the famous Italian pinched-fingers gesture called "mano a borsa," screaming "Geeeennneeesss!"

We ask "Where did all that time go?" But we know where. We lived life on repeat. The whole time thinking being a good person was enough. Nobody told us it wasn't. And now we're looking for someone to blame.

Is it the 7th grade teacher who said "In a world where you can be anything, be kind"? Our parents? Our partner who didn't inspire us enough? We raise our head and are suddenly staring right at the culprit. Why do they look so familiar? It's because they're… us.

The Mirror

Those impressive, kind people? They're mirrors. They show us it was always possible to be both. You can be a dedicated parent without your stomach jiggling independently when you walk. You can know more this year than you knew last year, form new beliefs, strengthen or drop old ones, be a person that you would want to date and be impressed by — without giving up being kind.

Growth is the only evidence of life.

John Henry Newman

I know some people who haven't grown in years. Same complaints, same habits, worse body, same conversations. They're really kind people. But kindness without growth is still just… standing still.

And look, I'm not writing this from some mountaintop. I'm writing it because watching them terrifies me. It's the version of myself I dread becoming. So I'm taking active steps to make sure I never do. It's not comfortable. It never will be. Hell, growth never is. But at least, when I look in the mirror even one year from now, I'll be impressed with the woman I see.

If we don't understand where all that time has gone, it's because we've not been growing. If we can only point at the same happenings through the years, it's not because anyone did us dirty. Actually, I change my mind. Yes, someone did do us dirty. That person is US.

So yes, it's never too late. But let's not dress that up as comfort. It's a dare. Start today, or have this same conversation with yourself again in five years. Your call.

Thanks for reading amigo. 'Til next time 👋🏾

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